The Lord of the Rings, and some more besides
by Shrikestorm
Summary: Where Pippin asks irritating questions, Boromir thinks up the first space-hopper and Legolas is fab-u-lous


"Sooo, uummm… why are we going on this quest?" asked Pippin as they were walking along a mossy path one dreary morning (without second or third breakfast).

"I have told you this before, we are going to stop the Sauron from regaining full strength" sighed Merry for the hundredth time.

"Aaand, it's just seven guys, no ladies?" queried the smaller hobbit.

"Well obviously, but if you don't shut up, I'm sure Gandalf has a spell somewhere that can make you into a girl..." said Merry.

"Fat chance of that" replied Pippin, "besides you're the one with the girly name - Merry."

"Meridoc is a fine name for a man" muttered the annoyed Merry, who was quickly turning red. The whole of the company had been giving him grief over his rather unfortunate nick-name, even Legolas, whose pack was mostly filled with hair-care products and skin moisturiser.

Merry trudged on a bit faster in order to get away from his friend and ran into the back of Gimli. You must remember, that while dwarves are small – hence the name – hobbits are even smaller, so running into the back of a dwarf may seem tricky for one the size of an elf or man, but for a hobbit, it is a feat easily achieved.

"Ach, watch where yer going, laddie… or should I say lady?" said Gimli with a chuckle.

"Oh, shut up" said Merry, who then walked on again, leaving Gimli laughing to himself.

"Ahem" said Merry, looking up at the towering figure or the wizard, "Mr. Gandalf?"

"Hmm? Yes, what is it, Merry?"

"Where exactly are we going?"

"To Mordor, my boy, we must destroy the ring of power" said Gandalf, taking such long strides that Merry had to trot to keep up with him.

"And are we just going to walk in then, with the orcs and all?" asked Merry.

Suddenly Boromir butted in, "One does not simply walk into Mordor. One may paraglide, or ask the eagles, or use a space hopper, but one does not simply walk."

"Oh" said Merry, then, "what's a space hopper?"

Boromir was silent for a moment in thought, "I have no idea, but I expect if they do exist, the elves have them all" he said, a tad unfairly to the elves.

"Excuse me," cut in the clear voice of Legolas, "that is a tad unfair to the elves, it's not my fault we're so fab-u-lous and everyone wants to be us."

"Who said I wanted to be an elf?" retorted Boromir.

Legolas sighed, "You really ought to keep a lock on your diary, Boromir, we all had a right giggle about it when you were sleeping. Oh, and what's all this about wanting the ring to make Gondor even stronger?"

"What, that, it's nothing. Trust me, I'm the son of a guy who would kill himself and his only son when his city was being attacked by orcs."

"Is that right? Well, I'm off, I need to chat to Aragorn in Elvish to make you feel inferior, and look out into the distance to say something really deep." With that, Legolas strode off to continue his bromance with the ranger.

All the while, Merry was looking up (being a hobbit, he soon got used to that) at the sky. "Ganalf? Why are there large birds heading straight for us?"

"Oh, I asked the eagles if they were free to drop us off in Mordor, we wouldn't want to lose anyone in the Mines of Moria, or if orcs attacked us and one of the company got shot in the chest, like, three times" said Gandalf.

"I agree," said Boromir, "that would be terrible."

"Yeah," laughed Merry, "imagine if me and Pip got taken to Iseguard!"

"No, Merry" said Ganadlf sternly, "that would be utterly ludicrous."

The eagles landed with a thump, with a wingspan of over five meters, there is no graceful way to land but with a thump, and bent down to let the company clamber on.

"Don't pull out any of his feathers, Harry, he won't thank you for that" said Hagrid.

"Who is Harry?" asked Pippin, who was being helped up, unsuccessfully by Gimli.

"And who are you?" asked Sam.

"Oh, sorry, wrong story" said Hagrid, and vanished back to Hogwarts.

As soon as the group were on, the eagles took flight. Within six hours they landed at the edge of Mount Doom. Frodo scrambled down and chucked the ring in the molten lava, where it melted in a rather anticlimactic way.

"Is that it?" asked Merry, disappointed.

"Well, what did you want?" demanded Gandalf.

"Something with lots of battles, and love, and some heroic deaths, and talking trees. Something that at least covered three books."

"Well, I'm sorry, but that would be ridiculous. Now, shall we get back to Rivendell?" said Gandalf.


End file.
